I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
