matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
barbara walters just said penis...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There's always time for handjobs
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
