I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
