really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
