i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
