My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
