what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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