Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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