So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
