Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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