Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
