My liver just broke up with me...
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
bring money and cleavage
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
