Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
