break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
pray to the hookup gods
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
