The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
