omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
