I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Randomize
