If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
