I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
