I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
