Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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