He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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