The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
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Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
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he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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