Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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