What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Sext me about skeletons
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