I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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