dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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