you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
