I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
