I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
false alarm. still invincible.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
