no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize