They should really pass out barf bags in church
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
