I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
