She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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