I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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