Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
