i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
