Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
