Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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