was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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