M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
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