found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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