The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
