Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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