I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
