It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
