Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We left the knife in your bed.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
