Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
