dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
