The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
