my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
