i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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