u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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