So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
