Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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