I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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