it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
