I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
